i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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