Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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