Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
