I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
is wine microwaveable?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
