By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
