Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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