omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
