She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
