I swear god or herbie drove my car home
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
