Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
