Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
