Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
