I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
