You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
