He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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