I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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