I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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