if you like me you must not know who I am
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
