I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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