You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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