The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
