Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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