After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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