Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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