she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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