No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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