I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
BRING THE BAGELS
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