i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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