i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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