Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
