Already got asked if we're dating
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
