your parents love me but you hate me
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
