Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
