By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
