I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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