who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize