You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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