JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
