Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
