I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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