Swine flu is the new snow day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
