my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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