did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
