So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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