My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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