Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
