There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
