All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
