The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
