I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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