the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
