This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
