I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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