i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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