Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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