She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize